
Like a worn out mule I have carried this shame, this stand-on-the-sides-of-my-feet-and-keep-silent shame. It is the progeny of a struggle, this shame. The struggle? Jesus’s return to earth makes me nervous and a little sad. Our church is going through Revelation line by line, context and background discussed. Goodness, I have learned so much about prophesy that I never knew. It does seem like a lot of things are coming together, and our Lord could return at any time. And I am twitchy and undone.
One day I sat on my bed after weeks of this struggle. Pulling my knees to my chest, I began talking out loud to Jesus. I told Him how I was sorry and that I knew I should not love my life here more than the one coming, but that the one He gave me was so good. And babies, I wanted babies.

But I knew the right answers. I knew that this life and all the joys in it are good gifts from God, but eternity is better. My life with Eric is simple and sweet, something I prayed for a very long time. The thought of not being his wife anymore makes me a little crazy. It is like telling a kid at Disneyland, “We’re going to leave your favorite characters and awesome rides to go to this place you have never seen, but it is better I promise.” Better.

During my adventure in Malaysia, Elizabeth and I went to Batu Caves—a common tourist spot for those who stay in Kuala Lumpur. The statue/idol was (as far as size goes) rather impressive. We came prepared and modestly dressed to be able to hike the nearly 300 steps to enter the Hindu temple.

(Read it and weep, girlfriend. No bootie shorts for you. My question: are there rules for men?)

As we climbed the famous steps, monkeys scurried about our feet and above our heads. I was fascinated, but Elizabeth, who was reliving past encounters with the creatures, was less than enthralled. As we entered the cave, its majesty swept over us, and then the heaviness settled over the dark and damp tomb. The beauty of the cave was overshadowed by oppression. And then it hit me: Jesus will make this place better. He made it, and one day He will claim it again.



What a lovely relief. He will make it better. All better.
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